I wanted to share this remembrance of my parents as spending time with them and supporting them in the last phase of their life was a major life goal of mine. I designed my life, made life and career choices to support this goal, and planned my finances to accommodate the needs that arose from this life choice, whether it was their care or my travel and other costs.
We lost Amma this year – Nov. 10, 2018 – almost to the day that we lost Appa 13 years ago, Nov. 9, 2005. This is in remembrance of my parents, a revised version of something I wrote for my mother on the occasion of one of her awards ceremonies. They were leaders in their own individual ways, fun loving, high spirited and adventurous. Thank you in advance for taking the time to read it…..
Growing up with Amma and Appa was a bit of an adventure in some ways. I came to realize that we were not the run of the mill family when I woke up one morning in Ashok Nagar to see Amma sitting at her dressing table in front of the mirror, in my bedroom, with a towel around her shoulders and her teeth blacked out. She was rehearsing for a play. We often witnessed things like this.
I loved watching Amma get dressed in front of that same dressing table. Saturday Club parties, silk saris and beautifully starched cotton ones, and Chanel No. 5 are embedded in my psyche. I loved watching her preparations for a good time.
Amma greeted Appa one day on his arrival home from work with a banana peel on one eye and a towel around her neck. This was an imitation of Chokka, Appa’s sister-in-law’s mother (Yashoda’s mother for the family). Chokka was always hot, even though Bangalore in those days was known for its good weather.
Appa went right into his role….”enna ma Chokka….chekkai aaaaa?” (What ma, Chokka, are you hot?)
Amma replies – “romba chekkai” (SO hot!…) and then more conversation around how the banana peel and wet towel are helping her stay cool…………they knew how to have fun together.
Appa was a serious man, much of the time, but he knew how to laugh and had a great sense of adventure. This is what took him from being an engineer at the national radio station (Aakashvaani, where my parents met) to being a diplomat. He came to America to be a part of the Kennedy administration, idealistic and “excited to be a part of Camelot…..I adjusted and made the best of it when it turned out to be the Johnson administration” instead, I remember him saying to me.
Appa and Amma had vision and were often ahead of their time, leaders and trail-blazers, inspirational in their own individual ways and always supportive of one another. It has been fun and interesting to learn about my parents from other’s perspectives and to see them as whole people, not just as our parents. Thank you to each of you who have called or written to say what you learned or how they helped or made you feel or how inspired you were by one of them.
Turns out my father was right, we can have the job and the title and be famous or “important” in a worldly sense but it is the people and the relationships, the time spent with others, the integrity with which we carry ourselves, and the impact that we have as individuals on the people around us that matters in the end, and that is the difference that each of us can make.
Appa and Amma gave me some good advice the first time I had to speak in public. I was probably around 14 years old. I was compering a show at the Malayalee Club in Madras and they were helping me prep for that event. Oh, I was nervous. Wear loose trousers Appa said, in response to my question, what if my legs shake?! I remember rolling my eyes, but I followed that advice wearing harem pants, thank goodness. Amma told me to rehearse in front of the mirror to observe how I look and tape myself to hear how I sound……that’s how a voice coach would do it, she said. Good advice. During my MBA they video-taped us during communications class and we each got critiqued – same concept. The Malayalee Club event went well for me thanks to their coaching. I still follow her guidance to practice in front of the mirror when I have to present in front of a group; keeps me from fidgeting too much!
Losing both one’s parents is a strange experience regardless of their age or our own. Amma went almost to the day that Appa passed – Nov. 9, 2005 is when he passed, and she Nov. 10, 2018. Very fitting as they did everything together.
He was the only spouse to be found outside the women’s lingerie department at McCrae’s in Meridian, MS when they were visiting me, holding his wife’s purse! It brings me great comfort now to know that they are together again with God, and that all is right in their world.
My parents were by no means perfect. Growing up includes learning that and loving them anyway. But they were generous of spirit, supportive and fun loving, albeit hard driving and we were fortunate to have learnt a lot from them. Some things by intent through stories, oh, so. many. stories. And some through observation wherein we said (to ourselves), ‘oh, that is not going to be me!’
Things that I learnt just by observing and participating, range from how to enjoy simple things like having a drink on the deck, spending time with family and friends from all walks of life, enjoying great song and dance, to how to throw a great party, whether a cocktail party or a casual potluck. I didn’t know how useful those party planning skills would be and how much joy it would bring to our lives.
Creativity comes in many forms and we had the opportunity to watch, learn, and enjoy Amma’s acting, Appa’s singing, both of them dancing, cooking, enjoying food, drink, and people. We also gained the creativity of thought, imagination, and the courage of determination. The other side of “stubborn” is determination and perseverance, and taking a chance and those are all qualities I have definitely inherited from Amma and Appa!
Thank you Appa and Amma for showing us how to live well and enjoy a rich life. We are active, healthy, happy, trying to add value in our own individual ways…….just like you. Like you always used to say Amma, “What more could we want?!!!!”
Love always,
Sandhya
For my parents: good times, adventures during the diplomatic years, his appreciation of her shown in the awards scrapbook he made for her and the fun they had together with so many friends! Even though we have lost you from this life, we hope and pray to see again:
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